A question about bloglines

Okay, so what are people doing about the demise of bloglines? It's closing on Nov. 1? How do I move all my blogs over to another reader?

Help.

Who am I?

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to how I feel about being a mother - I've started seeing a new therapist (I'm nothing if not proactive about stressful periods in my life) and it's been good to talk about it a bit with her. It still hasn't hit me quite yet that I am a mother - I mean, it's hit me in one sense, an immediate sense. There are 2 little babies who rely on me (and my support team) for their basic needs. But I still don't always connect them with the fact that they were inside me. I know I love them (in the sense that I would throw myself in front of a bus for them), but it's not always a conscious feeling.

I think I'm staring right into the face of the myth of all-encompassing, positive motherhood. Just like those Rockwellian Christmas myths, I thought that I would feel more connected to them than I often do. That I would feel the urge to weep with joy and unending love every time I look at them. That it would be one big skin-to-skin love-fest bonding ceremony. But I often see them as just needing from me. Now, granted, I'm feeling better after the anemia and hormonally-induced craziness has begun to calm down and I have more to offer them. But my feelings about them are still very complicated and evolving. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my life has changed so dramatically - they will be with me for so long. How do I feel about this? What does this mean to me?

People say that your life will never be the same - but what will it be? These are the big questions. Different? Yes. Good? Yes. Better than it would have been without them? I think so - in the final tally, I know I'll never truly regret having children (however much I might regret it in certain moments). But I expected to feel more...stable about them than I do. I think I might be falling in love with them. Like I did with TD. The first time I met TD, the next day I remember saying to a friend of mine, "I just really like that guy." And it grew from there to the point to where I love him with all my heart.

Could it be the same with children? Could it be that I love them in one basic, primal way, but I'm also in the process of falling in love with them in another, subtler, more cerebral/emotional way?

I've been thinking this is the case. And I've been thinking that that's okay.

Where is Medieval Woman??

Still here! Anxiety is all but gone (thanks to meds and time) - Guy and Miles are one month old today - they are getting fussier, but I've heard this peaks around 4-6 weeks and then dissipates at 8-10 weeks once their circadian rhythms get more set. Otherwise, they're gaining weight like champs and being cute little grubs.

I am feeling tons better with the anemia - the numbers are on the rise and in a couple of weeks I'll have another hemoglobin check. Medieval Mom is here until Saturday, so that's been a big help (she takes the 3am feeding! What have I done to deserve such grace?)

I've started to think about work in the middle of the midnight feeding, when all is quiet on the western front. How will I approach this new article project? What do I need to begin researching first? These are just little synapses firing late at night, but hopefully in a week or so I'll be able to handle some sustained attention to the issue.

More from the incubator...

We're getting this! We can do this. Things are getting better and my anxiety was slightly less today than it was yesterday. Does this mean that hormones are working their way through my system? Surely it does.

We took some fun pics today:

May I present Sir Guy -


And Sir Miles -


How jaunty are they? Do they pricketh throughout the countryside looking for damsels to rescue??

Other tidbits:

1) My mother leaves tomorrow and je suis desolee! This hasn't happened before. She comes back in a week and a half for 11 days - JOY! Who am I?? And she's moving here in a few months. Thank God!! Who knew?

2) Went to the Dr. Canadienne today to discuss meds and it was a good conversation - even better? They did a weight check - I HAVE LOST 40 POUNDS SINCE 2 DAYS BEFORE I DELIVERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3) I am now taking a natural organic iron supplement to help my anemia rather than the caustic guerilla pills they prescribed for me (Dr. C said I could) - those killed my gut and these are easy on it. I am now out of the range where they suggest transfusion!! (I'm an 8 - normal is 12-16) I'm inhaling spinach, watermelon, and red meat.

4) Periodically, one of the boys will let loose a single, blood-curdling, ear-piercing scream. We call it their primal scream therapy.

Rawr! and the First Night...

Yes, my friends - that is Guy! Miles was born exactly one minute later...our little ones arrived on Monday (Labor Day??) at 35 and 1/2 weeks. They didn't have to spend even a minute in the NICU, which was amazing and they came home with us yesterday. They are small, but beautiful; immature in some ways and mature in others. The Furballs are terrified but curious - what could these gabbling things be??

What follows are some of my observations and feelings - they're all jumbled up, but here they are!

1) This sounds cliche, but I am totally in love...pure, unadulterated love.

2) I am also stressed out beyond my wildest ken - how can these two emotions co-exist so much? Last night - our first night at home - was so insane. And they weren't even fussy per se! It was just being home, needing to get up every 3 hours at least, to feed them, not really sleeping more than 3-4 hours. I know - I need to get used to this. TD and I are reeling.

3) Medieval Mom is also here until Thursday, so I can't imagine how it would be were she not in residence.

4) The birth was steeped in stress, particularly the days following it, which is why I'm dealing with such anxiety at the moment, I think. The c-section proper was uneventful, even textbook. But we had to do it far earlier than planned because my BP was just consistently way too high. After that, I had a series of events including crashing a bit because of a wonky reaction to something, perhaps nausea, I'm not sure, it's all a blur, but it was very scary for TD. Then we thought all was well but those damned BPs kept creeping up again and they wanted to keep me longer. This was the source of much stress, but finally they just kept me an extra day and sent us home.

5) The babies smell good.

6) Will my hormones eventually regulate themselves? Will I ever feel normal again? Will my body recover from the c-section? When? Will every day get better?

7) Miles is already stepping forward as the "freaky" child - he has so many little quirks and he's not even 6 days old. Guy is all about "slow and steady wins the race"...

8) Tomorrow (yes, Sunday) is our first outing to the pediatrician - what will we wear?

9) Will I ever sleep again?

Le Sigh

Medieval Woman HQ has now become Bedrest HQ.

Last week we were all in a kerfuffle - on Wednesday, exactly 15 minutes after TD left for the airport to go back to the Motherland to get his work visa (he is SO legal now, btw!), I was told I had to check into the hospital for 24 hours for observation and testing for pre-eclampsia. I tried to tell the doctor (a different one from our own Dr. Canadienne) that I have a history of hypertension, but she didn't believe me. I tried to tell her that I was worried about Guy and Miles and that was obviously making my BP spike and she didn't believe me again.

So, there I was in the hospital alone, crying on the phone to TD who was about to board his transatlantic flight. Fortunately, Medieval Mom was coming into town later that evening for a visit and our awesome friends J and A picked her up and brought her to hang out with me "in stir". After over 24 hours of being stuck in a little room, the results were...

I don't have pre-eclampsia. I just have high blood pressure. So, though I'm still on bedrest (but not the Gestapo kind), it's not as bad as we feared.

But here's what sparked all the stress:

At our last ultrasound, Guy had turned into the Incredible Hulk baby, and - no doubt fortified by gamma radiation - seemed to have gained* almost a pound and a half in two weeks. Miles, however, didn't seem to have gained much at all - only a couple of ounces.

This discrepancy is, of course, very distressing and I was worried to death about my little Miles (hence the BP spike, Dr. Conservative!). So, we went to the special hospital ultrasound people and they did more measurements and concluded that they were only 1 pound rather than 1 1/2 pounds apart. It's still a big and sudden margin, though, and they blamed it on the fact that I no doubt have horrible pre-eclampsia and Dr. Conservative started saying I'd be "lucky" to make it to 36 weeks and talking about long term hospitalization until that time.

Now, I'm all for better safe than sorry, but this was ridiculous! And so my treacherous BP creeped higher the more they took it, supposedly confirming their dire diagnosis. Bastards.

But, after all the hub-bub, it all seemed blown out of proportion (for once, not by me) and so I'm ensconced on the couch and bed for the duration - but it's better than the hospital! We have another measuring ultrasound next Thursday and we'll see if Miles has caught up a bit. If not, then we'll have an early c-section to get him on the outside to chub up. I'm not unenthusiastic about this possibility - I'd be happy to get off the couch.

The funny thing about this whole scenario? The boys are completely fine - they move constantly, they practice their breathing, their heartbeats are great, they're totally strong awesome little dudes. They sit in the eye of the hurricane of panic and ultrasounds and tests in which I become embroiled with their little fingers making the "whatever" sign...

Excuse me, I must now pay-per-view "Hot Tub Time Machine"...

* I say "seem to have gained" b/c ultimately we don't know for sure - the margin of error for late term ultrasounds is actually 1.5 pounds! They could weigh exactly the same (although you can see that Guy is chunkier than Miles).

Random Fluffage

Dang! It's been a long time since I posted!! I am gleeful that classes start in a little over a week, but I won't be teaching. We live life tapas-style lately: little meals, little naps, little steps, little clothes to wash and put away, little, little, little....

So, here are some of the tidbits (in no particular order):

1) We have scheduled a c-section for our 38th week (Sept. 28th, to be exact) - this is the terminus ad quem for Guy and Miles to emerge. My blood pressure is sneaking up ever so slightly (not due to pre-eclampsia but b/c of a family tendency toward borderline hypertension). So, Dr. Canadienne feels that 38 weeks is plenty of time for them to chub up even more and then high-tail it out of there. This isn't to say that I can't decide to try natural childbirth if I want to or if we go into labor early, but it's nice to know that there's a happy planned option that will not involve my BP spiking dangerously during a potentially long labor.

2) TD is soon buying this for himself.

3) Den of Guy and Miles is complete and I'll post pictures of it soon. I've evicted TD from our bed for the remainder b/c I need every inch of the bed for me and my 27 pillows - TD sleeps on our guest mattress at the foot of the bed. I only feel slightly guilty about this.

4) I went to a breastfeeding class recently where the woman had many plush boobs to illustrate various nipple issues (erect, inverted, etc.). Seriously - they were like little disembodied stuffed boob dolls. Interesting....TD expressed thanks that he hadn't attended this particular class. But then he insisted on reading all of the notes I'd taken so he would know what a "good latch" was...

5) I still haven't heard anything on the revised MS I sent out in the second week of June. That's okay, right? Doesn't bode ill, does it?

I'm going to Chili's...