Fraud Guy: "Yes, ma'am. There have been some irregular charges on your credit card. We need to verify them."
Fraud Guy: "Have you just charged $170 to the Family Dollar Store in Brooklyn?"
MW: "No. That's not me. THAT'S NOT ME!!!! I'm in (*redacted*)...far away from there!"
Fraud Guy: "Mmmmhmmm. Thought so. Ma'am, it appears that someone has your card."
MW: "But I have my card. I'm looking at it. Wait, are they there right now using it??"
Fraud Guy: "Yes. The last charge was approximately 5 minutes ago. We're holding the charge back to verify."
MW: "Well, if they're there, then ARREST THEM!! SEND SOMEONE TO ARREST THEM! Why aren't you ARRESTING them??!!"
Fraud Guy: "Ma'am, it's Brooklyn. We can't really do that."
MW: "Why not? People get arrested in Brooklyn all the damn time! They're THIEVES!!! FILTHY THIEVES!!! (*MW begins to realize she's sounding like Gollum...*)
Fraud Guy: "Yes, ma'am, they are. Why don't you wait just a sec while I close out your account. You won't be charged for their purchases."
MW: "Those BASTARDS!! Why don't they get a JOB and stop stealing other people's things??? godDAMMIT!"
Fraud Guy: "Ma'am, calm down."
MW: "How do they even have a card to swipe?? I HAVE MY CARD!"
Fraud Guy: "Well, they've probably either made or purchased a forged card with your number. I don't really know how they got the number. This happens all the time. We'll send you a new card."
MW: "What? They can DO that? They can just MAKE a card?"
Fraud Guy: (*begins talking slowly. Obviously I've been raised in a convent and I still believe in unicorns, the tooth fairy, the inherent goodness of mankind, etc.*): "Ma'am. I understand you're upset, but it's really going to be okay. I'm taking care of it. You can trust me."
MW: (*still ranting*) "...and what kind of LOSERS steal a credit card number and go to the Family Dollar? What kind of RINKY DINK operation is this? Wouldn't you go to get a TV or something? Don't you think that's STUPID???!!!"
Fraud Guy: "Yes, ma'am. They are stupid thieves. Your new credit card will arrive in 5-7 days."
MW:(in a voice laden with shrill self-righteousness*) "Well, THEY'RE GOING TO GET WHAT'S COMING TO THEM!!! THAT'S KARMA!!! THEY'LL GET THEIR COMEUPPANCE! WHAT KIND OF JAIL TIME DOES FRAUD CARRY??"
Fraud Guy: "Dunno. Have I satisfied all of your banking needs this evening ma'am?"
MW: "Yes. Thank you for informing me."
Fraud Guy: "Have a pleasant evening."
And, to the people who stole my credit card number and purchased what can only be described as A WHOLE LOTTA CRAPOLA from the Family Dollar:
You may suck it.