NB: The musings of this post in no way contradict the musings of the last (and thank you all for the lovely comments and encouragement!!)
But, reading around on the medieval blogosphere about NCS reminiscences has made me a little sad that I missed it (to say nothing of the fact that TD and I had a bodacious trip to Tuscany and Rome planned around the conference). I had been accepted to a great panel that was right up my work alley - and I would have loved to present and hear the other papers, see friends, just be part of an intellectual enterprise again. Of course, the panel organizer and the hotel peeps were wonderful about my pulling out (I pulled out months ago, so it wasn't a last minute burden), but I didn't realize how reading about other people's conference experiences would make me feel a little isolated.
Now, I know there will be many more NCSs and K'zoos to attend, so it's not like I missed Woodstock or anything, but it's made me reflect on the general feeling of being trapped and how tantalizingly anesthetizing that actually is. My day is filled basically with sleeping and eating - and I'm doing exactly what I should be. It's now also governed with periodic blood glucose levels and trips to the doctor. All is well and I've performed my gestation duties very well so far.
But reading NCS posts has made me wake up from my pregnancy haze a take a look around me for the first time in weeks:
- wait, wasn't I going to do research this summer? Wasn't I going to get a head start on the new project after I re-submitted my book manuscript (deargodpleaseletmegetacontract)?
- hold on, don't I have friends skulking around this town someplace? I haven't seen them in a long time...
- don't I have an office with a nice view? Aren't there books waiting for me at the ILL desk in the library?
Whoa - I'd forgotten about all that! So, I've decided to take some metaphorical baby steps before I get bogged down in actual baby steps and reconnect with myself as scholar and social being. These guys will soon enough take over my life once they're on the outside and I'm taking advantage of their amniotic incarceration for a little longer.
We'll see how this goes, but I'm sick of trapping myself in the house because of exhaustion, lack of motivation, etc. It's amazing how the days can slink by.
So, on tap for the coming days:
1) taco night with friends tonight.
2) go up to office tomorrow for 2 hours and read articles (*gasp!*)
3) read and comment on my friend M's article for submission to PMLA.
4) look at 2011 K'zoo CFP and see what's what because I'M GOING NEXT YEAR (and Rebel Lettriste, our sets of twain can play together)!
3 comments:
Sounds like you're taking stock of things and figuring out how to make them work around your "gestation duties" (I giggled when I read that). It's so easy to slip into a routine that somehow excludes activities just for our own mental health when we're so busy taking care of our bodies, no?
P.S. "Amniotic incarceration" -- also hilarious.
I feel like I could have written parts of this post! Like you, I had to pull out of a conference, and it was the biggest conference presentation so far in my career. While it was a good decision for me and for the baby, it was really tough to miss this one.
I've had "baby brain" for most of the summer. The combination of exhaustion and "we have to get this house ready for a baby" mentality have really messed up my summer plans. I haven't even played my instrument in a month (I can't breathe well enough to play). It's going to take some time to get back in shape on my instrument.
OK, you've convinced me. I'll go in to the office this week. :)
This is australian pregnant medievalist here...who also has gestational diabetes! go figure...
When I had my daughter I felt the loss of professional identity, and it caused me a lot of angst and grief, particularly in the sleep addled first six months or so. But then, work and its discontents came back in wonderful droves. My advice, much as it is worth, is to try to give yourself over to the process of pregnancy, birthing and mothering during the acute stages...because fighting it with remonstrance only leads to more suffering... and truly, the world can wait for more medieval history/literary studies etc...
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