Courting the God Morpheus

S'okay - I realize that it's been almost a month since I last blogged - and that was from the hospital. Hopefully there are a few of you still out there checking in periodically, so I wanted to say hi and blog about something that's been on my mind lately - and that is sleep.

I know there's a bunch of research saying how adults actually need more sleep than we used to think - 9 hours is not considered too much. But what I've been up against lately is the full set of cultural baggage surrounding sleep and what it says about your status in life, your responsibility level, laziness, etc.

Here's the deal: I like to sleep. A lot. I like staying up late and sleeping late. Having twins puts a cramp in this, obviously. But, having twins and 3 surgeries in 9 months makes it mandatory that I get enough sleep, in my opinion. But what is enough? It's not just what each individual body needs - and that differs greatly from person to person. It's what other people think you should have.

The baggage is this, I think:

1) If you "sleep in" (i.e., after, say 8 or 9 am), you're either an infant, a college student, unemployed, and/or lazy.
2) If you're a parent and you're not sleep deprived or if you don't get up for the day at 5-6 when your children initially arise, you're a bad parent.
3) If you nap during the day (either when you should be working or when someone else is taking care of your children b/c you pay them to), you're lazy and you're a bad parent.
4) If you need 9-10 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, you're probably depressed.

It's funny b/c when babies are first born, they tell parents to sleep when they sleep, which means you're supposed to catnap all day, which is impossible b/c - you know - I'm an adult. BUT, when they get older, sleep through the night, and wake up at 6, you should get up, too.

Sirs Guy and Miles awaken anywhere between 4:45-6:30 and want their morning bottle. I stagger out of bed, give it to them, change their diapers, throw some toys into their cribs, and then stumble back to bed, where I put EAR PLUGS in and an eye pillow and sleep as long as I bloody can - sometimes until 8:45 if they don't freak out. Now, they are fed, safe, not sitting in their own filth, and (hopefully) not too bored. I can hear them scream through my ear plugs (at which point, I would get up and take care of them), but the plugs keep out the babbling and vigorous shaking of rattle toys that would otherwise impede my sleep. During the day, I often sneak home and sleep for an hour and a half, especially if the boys are at my mom's during the day. I know parents who have told me that they wouldn't trade the couple of hours they get to spend with their children before daycare for anything in the world - I sleep.

The thing is, I feel guilty about this. Why? Partly b/c TD, and I love him, doesn't get as much sleep b/c he has an hour commute and HAS to be at work for 8 hours a day. So, he's resentful. Medieval Pop and Mom both have always been early to bed, early to risers (goddam Ben Franklin) - but they act like it's some kind of MORAL INDEX when they get up early - probably again, b/c of goddam Ben Franklin. Medieval Pop was just visiting for the weekend and would get very resentful when I'd sleep in until 9am (also because I wasn't taking care of his needs, entertaining him, and feeding him early enough, but that's another post). But, he felt morally superior - like I wasn't facing the day and taking care of my children. I've realized just how prevalent the idea of the inherent morality of rising early and (potentially) sleeping too little really is - along with that comes the condescension (whether because of jealousy or otherwise) with which those people deal with those (like me) who need and take more sleep.

I've promised myself that I would stop apologizing for sleeping "too much" - and at some point, I will stop reminding my family that I've have health problems, etc. - because that dog won't hunt much longer. I've been frantically trying to find ways to explain my need for and desire to sleep longer than most of those around me - but the question is: should I? My work gets done, my classes get taught, my children are happy, healthy and loved. I don't feel like I do the bare minimum on any of these things (although some days I do - so do we all).

Why can't I get completely past the guilt, though?

Recovery

Surgery went incredibly well - haven't needed much pain medication (this will likely change a bit tomorrow) and I'm up and shuffling around a bit. Even better, I know longer have a giant cyst in my chest! Yay!

Thanks for your good wishes - I'll keep you posted!

Good Thoughts

I know I've been a SHIT-TAY blogger these past few months! Lots has been happening; childcare issues, traveling, house buying, finishing the semester, etc. I owe ya'll an update, pics of the house, pics of the babies.

But.

I have to have surgery on Friday to remove a big honkin' cyst from my chest. It's not a big deal (at least for the surgeon it's not) and they only make 3 incisions, but I don't do well in the hospital b/c I feel like a caged animal, so I'm stressed. I'll only be there a few days, but still.

Can you send some good vibes my way, even for an erstwhile blogger?

Also, I just got stunk-up by a stink bug. It wasn't pleasant. My nose feels violated.

Pavlovian Wiggle Dance

As we all know, Pavlov was right with his dogs and all. But it also holds true for babies. Sirs Guy and Miles have begun a strange ritual wherein they do a special dance whenever the serviette (our hotsy-totsy word for a burp-cloth) is placed on their chest in advance of their bottle. It can only be described as a kind of undulating break dance move (I know, because I could do something similar back in 1984) with their mouths open in urgent expectation like this:



So, this is a representation of the mind of a six-and-a-half-month-old around feeding time:

1) [*vague urge begins*] Wasn't their something called a bottle? Didn't I like it? I wonder when it will come to me again. Hmmmmmzzzzzzzz.......

2) [*urge becomes more urgent*] Okay, I wasn't kidding around. I kinda would like to have that bottle-thing again. Hello? Are you listening to me? Fine, I'll crap in my pants to get your attention...

3) [*urge become obsession*] bottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottlebottle.......

4) [*obsession leads to fury*] Where the f_ck is my BOTTLE!!!!!!!!!

5) [*fury leads to utter despair*] There will never be another bottle. All is lost. I'll just curl up here in the corner of my bed, like a farty little croissant, and try to suck on my fingers for a little nourishment. My minutes are numbered...

6) [*magic serviette is placed upon them*] JOY! THE BOTTLE COMETH AFTER ALL!

7) [*cue the Pavlovian Wiggle Dance*]

By the way, I'm eating nachos for breakfast.

Still here...random fluff

My god, it's been a while. Are people still even checking to see if I blog anymore? I wouldn't blame you...

Things here have been GREAT, just BUSY AS SHIT! And shit is bu-sy (pronounced "bi-zzay").

Here's all I'm capable of at the moment (must prep for classes tomorrow):

1) We survived a week-long Spring Break to the Real Dutchmanlandia - 7-8 hour flights were okay - Sirs Guy and Miles did extremely well all said. Sir Guy is teething and, thus, being a bit of a jerk. I'm glad to be home.

2) And speaking of home, we're moving in less than 2 weeks! And Medieval Mom is moving here in 4 days! Gah!!! But, the windows in our new place are installed, rooms painted, shelves built in closet, appliances to be delivered on Saturday. All overseen by yours truly. It looks so beautiful, it makes me want to cry. Will post pics when all is arranged.

3) Book is in editing stage - estimated to come out in October. Joy! Also, will contribute another article to a special issue of a journal and am going to contribute a new piece to another edited collection. Fortunately, deadlines aren't looming.

4) But one deadline is looming and that's a talk I'm giving on new material in early April - it's a short talk, but still - needs to be written!

5) Sigh. I have to have chest surgery in late April to remove a cyst that's next to my heart and that's getting too big (it's the size of a baseball now). It's fairly straightforward and asymptomatic at the moment, but it's annoying and it needs to come out. I'll be in the hospital for a couple of days and it's a 10-14 day total recovery, so it's not that big a deal - similar to a gall bladder. It's not cancerous and apparently I've had it since birth, it's just getting too big and we found it when they did the scan when my gall bladder turned in its notice. But, I'm still not looking forward to it.

6) What I do look forward to is June. My talk, our move, my surgery, my summer class, everything will be over by June. And then I'll be able to take it easy. I'll also officially be on research leave until January! So, come hither, June....

Krapatoa, n.

The volcanic ass-explosion of a baby of such seismic proportions that the villagers run screaming in terror...

See also Mt. Ves-"eeeeew"-vius, n.

Still here!

I'm sorry I've been such a poor presence on this blog lately - the holidays were a bit of a blur - a good blur, though. And we started back to school last week, so it's been interesting getting back into it.

Also, my final book MS is due to the publisher on Feb. 1 (i.e., in their hands in the UK) and a bunch of tedious department service paperwork is due to my university a week later. In early April I travel to give a talk (which is new material I have to write) and in the middle of that, we close on our house, move, and also spend a week in Holland with the Sirs Twain.

*gasp!*

I need to get back into my work hole...